Guest Writer: Hugh-Michael
When Arielle asked me to contribute to this month's Men's Mental Health Awareness on Creed and Cloth’s blog, I felt a mix of excitement and humility. Often, it is challenging to see ourselves as others see us, and she reminded me that I am a very grounded individual who is indeed doing the work. With that said, it is a privilege to share my journey as a son grieving the transition of his father, as a husband to my wife, Leeza, who has experienced pregnancy loss, and now a new father myself, grieving the man he once was. I’m honored to offer a glimpse into my story and my practice, hoping it resonates with others navigating similar paths.
As Men’s Mental Health Month concludes, let this be a reminder of the importance of centering our mental well-being year-round. I myself intended to have this written weeks ago, however I was experiencing my own mental health challenges. The full moon energy, coupled with the summer solstice, and general demands of new parenthood, economic challenges, etc. triggered some early patterns of anxiety. That said, I am grateful for my wife, community, and mindfulness practices to return to self, and of course I deeply appreciate the patience Arielle extended to me in submitting these words.
Reflecting on my journey, I'm struck by the transformative power of affirmations, the strength found in community, and the healing potential of music and mindfulness. These elements form the core of my upcoming affirmation track, "a father becoming," and my story is a testament to their impact.
Grief as a Portal
In May 2017, my world was forever changed when I lost my father, Daniel Hugh-Michael Tonge. The grief was overwhelming, leading to a clinical diagnosis of anxiety and depression. Navigating life without my father's physical presence was a challenge that felt overwhelming beyond words, I often found myself inconsolable, meeting the cold embrace of the hardwood floor. His passing forced me to confront my vulnerabilities, fears, and expectations in ways I hadn't considered before.
A Silent Retreat: A Turning Point in Grief
After my father's passing, my mother encouraged me to partake in a silent weekend retreat. While they hadn’t been together since I was three years old, in hindsight I now see how she had to embrace her own journey with grieving her Danny. I was hesitant, afraid of participating in something so foreign, especially when I was sobbing nightly and struggling to find any sense of peace. The retreat, advertised on the last flier at a coffee shop in Rockaway, included a weekend of silence, a minimal vegetarian menu, and restricted use of our cell phones. The idea of being with strangers in such a vulnerable state shook me, nonetheless, it was this retreat that ushered me forward in my healing journey. The time spent in silence, though initially daunting, became a sanctuary where I could begin to process my grief away from the chaos of everyday life. It was in that stillness that I started to find a semblance of clarity and a path toward inner peace.
The Power of Affirmations and Therapy
During this period of mourning, I delved deeper into the profound impact of affirmations. Simple yet powerful phrases like "I am healing" became mantras that guided me through the darkest times. These affirmations served as reminders of my inner strength and the enduring connection to my father, now an ancestor guiding me from beyond.
In 2018, I decided to start therapy again. In light of the healing I experienced at the retreats, my girlfriend at the time, had a firsthand look at how unwell I was. It was at this time, she made it clear, I needed to explore something more structured. Starting therapy in 2018, it was during these sessions that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Reflecting back, I realized that I had been navigating the world with anxiety long before my father's death, but his passing brought it to the surface in new, undeniable ways. Therapy helped me understand the depth of my mental health struggles and provided me with the tools to manage them. This journey of self-discovery and acceptance was crucial in my healing process, allowing me to address not only the grief of losing my father but also the underlying anxiety that had been a constant, if unrecognized, companion throughout my life.
Experiencing Loss and Finding Hope
The journey to fatherhood was another chapter filled with both heartache and hope. My wife and I experienced a miscarriage in the fall of 2021, a devastating event that brought a fresh wave of grief. It was compounded by the loss of multiple family members, and COVID, all happening weeks apart. Yet, through this loss, we found a deeper bond and a renewed commitment to our mental well-being.
"a father becoming"
The namesake of my EP, is born from a poem recited to me by Leeza, in June 2022, while we were now anticipating the arrival of our first son. Becoming a father to my son, Solís, has been the most profound transformation of all. The challenges of fatherhood, coupled with the joys of seeing my son grow, have given new meaning to my affirmation practice. They are no longer just words but lived experiences that shape my approach to parenting. For example “I am healing generational wounds, with my love” is a mantra that now resonates deeply in my daily life.
Inspired by these experiences, I channeled my journey and grief into the creation of "a father becoming." This affirmation track, created in partnership with producer, Rodney Hazard, is designed to support and uplift Black fathers, recognizing the unique challenges we face. The track blends soothing music with powerful affirmations, offering a space for reflection, healing, and connection. It is a tribute to the resilience of fathers who strive to break generational cycles and create nurturing environments for their children.
EP cover art by Leeza
The Importance of Community
Throughout my journey, community has been a cornerstone of my healing process. Connecting with other fathers, sharing our stories, and supporting each other has been invaluable. This sense of community is something I aim to foster through The Serenity Project, creating spaces where fathers can come together, virtually and in person, to share, heal, and grow.
Looking Forward
As Men’s Mental Health Month comes to a close, I encourage all fathers to embrace the power of affirmations and community. Whether you are navigating grief, facing the challenges of fatherhood, or simply seeking a moment of peace, remember that you are not alone. Your mental health is important, and there are resources and communities ready to support you.
As I reflect on my path, I’m reminded of three lessons this journey continues to teach me:
- Find comfort in the discomfort. Embrace the challenges as opportunities for growth.
- Your mindset and heartset are everything. Clear your mind, open your heart, and everything else will follow.
- Meeting your edge is an invitation to expand your capacity. Pushing beyond perceived boundaries leads to greater strength and resilience.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. I invite you to listen to "a father becoming" now available for purchase on EVEN.biz, and to join us in celebrating the strength and resilience of fathers everywhere.
Yours in Serenity,
Hugh-Michael